I'm Lovin ALL of It

If you know me at all, you know that I have a slight obsession with McDonald’s. OH heavens no, not the food. I haven’t EATEN at McDonald’s since about 1996 (although even I’ll admit that their breakfast egg McMuffins are a little salty slice of heaven). What I like about McDonald’s is the way they do business. I have great respect for their founder, Ray Kroc. I’m in awe at the way they have essentially taken over the world. I think they’re genius for creating the “Happy Meal” and marketing ruthlessly to children (the real decision makers). I mean, sure, they might have contributed to our country’s obesity epidemic- but I’m not really sold on that- and even if it could be proven true, I’m fine with it. The more obese people in this country the better I look by comparison.
Another great thing about McDonald’s is the consistency of their food. If you go to a McDonald’s in Oregon and a McDonald’s in New York, you’re getting the same fries.
I recently decided to go on a world tour of McDonald’s, to see if the consistency extended globally. Now obviously, I don’t have the means or the time to travel the world eating at McDonald’s, but I felt I could get quite a bit of information simply by visiting their respective websites.
Below are some highlights:

Greece: First I head over to McDonald’s Greece. I had a snicker at the aptly titled “McDonald’s Greece/Grease. Fortunately, this is one of the McD’s sites that had an option to “switch to English”. Unfortunately, their English translator is…lacking a bit. For example, how remarkably appetizing does this sound (describing the menu selection called “Fish”): Tasty breaded codfish, processed cheese (yum!), and tartar sauce on bread heated on steam!” Delicious! How could you turn that down? Head over to the “Vegetables” section and you have exactly one choice: the Greek salad. My personal favorites are the desserts: “ Amazing ice cream in three flavors: Nescafe Mix, Nesquick, and Crunch!” Is “crunch” really a flavor? I had always considered it a sound. What next McDonald’s Greece? New amazing ice cream flavors, “Achoo, Buzz, and Chirp?”

Colombia: I only came on this site to see if they had a McCocaine side dish. They don’t.

Poland: Ahhh yes. McDonald’s Poland. I never expected the Polish to come through with such a hit. This one really needs to be seen to be understood, so I’ll include the link.
Apparently, if you believe their website, McDonald’s in Poland is more like a sex club. The website depicts the inside of a McDonald’s, complete with dimmed lights. Since when does McDonald’s have mood lighting? Sitting in this McDonald’s are people, or rather, shadow people. In the background plays the McDonald’s song (you know, duh duh duh DUH duh…I’m Lovin’ It), except they slowed it down and threw in some porno style sound effects. One of the shadow people on the far right is sitting on a stool, and I’m pretty sure she’s masturbating. The whole vibe is one of “come to McDonald’s and cum at McDonald’s. Get a McOrgy with a side of McOrgasm.” Maybe I’m reading into it too much, but see for yourself. Just promise me you’ll listen to the music for at least a minute before you make your final judgement: http://www.mcdonalds.pl/
If the economic recession ever forces me into stripping, this is the only song to which I will perform.

Austria: The Austrians do not fuck around. When you arrive at their McDonald’s website, you are given a choice. Do you want information? If so, click here. Do you want to have fun? If so, click there. End of story. And don’t you try to have fun AND get information. That is ludicrous.
I chose to have fun, but sadly, I didn’t have fun. Apparently, Austrians think it is fun to look at a flash video of the little mustachioed man from Monopoly. He just doesn’t do it for me. Unless he’s dancing in the Polish McDonald’s Sex Club.
But, to their credit, they do offer curry sauce with their chicken nuggets. Win.

France: The French have always had a bit of a problem with McDonald’s (surprised? I didn’t think so). As a result, their website is the least McDonaldsy of all of the McDonald’s websites I’ve seen. No “I’m Lovin’ it” song in the background. The golden arches are at best implied, not shining in their full glory. Instead, they boast huge pictures of tomatoes. Yawn. They also tend to talk a lot about salads (there is nothing, in my mind, less McDonaldsy than that). The French are dull. Fin.

Egypt: Egypt wins the award for most frightening/confusing website. If you go to their site, you are face to face with a gigantic hamburger. Move your cursor over the burger, and it grows in size, seemingly approaching you (and you can just tell it’s angry). This caused me to think: perhaps, in Egypt, the burgers eat you instead of vice versa… When you get to the meat (pun intended) of the website, you get to hear another great version of the “I’m Lovin’ It” song. Instead of the Polish sexy version, this is more of a hip mid 80’s dance club version. I’ve got to hand it to Egypt though, they have a DELICIOUS looking sandwich called the “McArabia” which is two grilled Kofta patties on “Arabic” bread. Do I know what Kofta is? Nope. Do I know what would make one bread more “Arabic” than another? Nope. Do I want to eat it, HELL YES I DO!

Netherlands: If you look at the website for McDonald’s Netherlands, and you choose to believe the pictures, then people at McDonald’s in Netherlands enjoy playing tug of war, playing frisbee, and riding in cars without seatbelts. Definitely a place I want to go. They’d better keep up that level of activity, because the Netherlands has a bit of a “carb” problem. I wasn’t aware of this, but apparently those in the Netherlands are really into croissants. They have a combo meal that includes a McMuffin (obviously on an English muffin), an orange juice, AND a croissant. Holy carb Batman! At this particular McDonald’s they throw a croissant at you every chance they get. My recommendation is to keep up the Frisbee lest your ass develop into a croissant.

Slovakia: Speaking of nutrition, the Slovakians are really onto something. Rather than try to sell their food as healthy, they use a genius method of distraction. Click on the link that takes you to nutrition facts, and you encounter a hot blonde woman gazing seductively and sucking on her finger. Um…what was I looking for again? Exactly.

Singapore: The first thing you notice on McDonald’s Singapore website is a picture of three little girls. Above their heads is the caption “Thank you for your votes. We’re headed to the 2008 Beijing Olympic games!” Um. I hate to break it to you ladies, but I think you missed it. The government in Singapore is extremely conservative, so It is more likely that these three ten year olds briefly exposed their ankles and that “the 2008 Beijing Olympic games” is a euphemism for “we’re going to be tortured at the hands of the government for behaving like sluts and thrown into the ocean”. Either way, I’m fine with it.
Now, for the interesting part, at McDonald’s Singapore they do not have a “Big Mac”. Everything in Singapore is “Mega”. The Mega Mac, the Mega McSpicy…you get the idea. My personal favorite is the “Mega Beef Prosperity Burger.” YES! Not only that, but Singapore (like some other McDonald’s I’ve encountered, McDonald’s India for example) has McDelivery. Which means, you can ORDER McDonald’s online, 24 hours a day, and have it delivered! This has confirmed for me that there is a God, but only in India and Singapore. I tried to order a Mega Beef Prosperity burger with extra prosperity on the side, but they wouldn’t do it.


Some people might say I spent too much time on this.
……

I hate you.