LSAT

After two attempts (one in December, and one today) I am officially retiring from the world of the LSAT. I would like to share a few of the lasting lessons this lovely test has taught me.

What my LSAT experience has taught me:

-At every LSAT administration, you are thumb printed. If,however, you do not have thumbs, the proctors second choice for prints is the pointer finger followed by middle, ring, and lastly- the pinkie. I asked multiple people this question to be sure. They did not confirm that a double hand amputee could submit an ass print.

-Hooded sweatshirts are prohibited which clearly means they make it easier to cheat on standardized tests, or represent an unfair socioeconomic advantage

-Same goes for mechanical pencils

-The sound of people sharpening old school yellow number two pencils with a hand sharpener is infinitely more obnoxious than the sound of someone clicking a mechanical pencil.

-I am the only person who enjoys a good old reading comprehension passage about prions and mad cow disease, and was able to answer most of the questions without actually reading the passage. Thank you Discovery network! (and my strange obsession with horrific diseases!)

-Your ability or inability to put into order when Abigail, B’nai, Calliope, Dexter , Ernie, Fu, and Garcia baked bread (and whether they baked wheat or rye) positively correlates with your ability to succeed in law school.

-The makers of the LSAT really like the name “Fu”

-Every group of five people must consist of both men and women, with all of their names in alphabetical order, each name being distinctively ethnic.


-Some people can tap their feet for hours without even noticing they’re doing it

-It is uncomfortable to be accompanied to the bathroom by a fifty year old man.

-No matter how many times people say it doesn't matter, you will question yourself when you get three A’s , three B’s, etc. in a row on a scan-tron test.

-Scan-tron sounds like a horrible science fiction movie.

In keeping with the season...

So, I like to make up words a lot. A large percentage of my made-up words are not in fact totally made-up, but are forms of English words that are completely incorrect or used incorrectly (by a normal person's standards). Here's an example, I really like to use the verb "to marinate" to describe that ritual I do every morning, wherein I wake up much earlier than necessary just so I can sit around and eat waffles and watch TV before I need to actually accomplish anything. This is "marinating". I am spending time preparing myself for being productive, much like your beef tenderloin sits and waits in a pool of red wine, garlic etc in preparation for you to eat it like a veritable caveman, behaving precisely like the fucking gluttonous pig you are (no offense).

My favorite word to use, however, is "Jesusy". Jesusy is an adjective that is based, of course, on THE Jesus (AKA your LORD and SAVIOUR, amen). There are a few instances in which a person can be described as being Jesusy, according to me.

1) When a person is totally fucking religious as crap.

ex.) My mother is so Jesusy, that she goes to church on both Christmas Eve, AND Christmas Day.

An interesting question was raised by my dear friend who happens to be Jewish. I was explaining to him the term Jesusy, and he asked whether it was possible that he could be described as Jesusy as well if he happened to be a very devout follower of Judaism. I decided that yes, I see no reason to preclude him or any other Jewish person from this particular adjective as long as they meet the requirement of being extremely religious. Never mind that his people murdered and tortured the namesake, fair is fair.

ex.) Man, he is so damn Jesusy that he wouldn't be caught dead without his bekishe on Shabbos!


There is a second instance where Jesusy can be used.

2) When someone does something for another person or group of people, from which they personally gain nothing of actual value (obviously, satisfaction with self doesn't count here...I'm talking money...like I said, ACTUAL value).

ex.) I'm feeling really Jesusy today because I just helped an old woman across the street.

ex.) It was super Jesusy of you to donate cans of food to the homeless, I'm sorry I ate the corn!

So obviously, most acts of charity are Jesusy, unless your intention in doing them somehow involves a tax write-off.


**It is important to note that if you are somehow able to turn water into wine as did the real Jesus this is not, ironically, Jesusy as it does not fit either of the aforementioned definitions.

Happy Holidays!

I want to gang rate you.

I feel as though people should be rated, in a similar fashion to which movies in America are rated. The MPAA utilizes a rating system consisting of the following ratings: G, PG, PG-13, R, and NC-17.

I have used their general guidelines and thusly rated myself as an R (largely due to sexually related nudity and extreme and intense violence)... but then I realized that my rating is relative. My friends would probably rate me an R or an NC-17. My mom, however, would surely rate me a PG-13 as I have still not (after 25 years) said the word "fuck" in front of her despite my liberal use of that term.

Like, maybe you would rate your mother a PG-13, but I would surely rate her an NC-17 because trust me- that bitch is kinky.