In keeping with the season...

So, I like to make up words a lot. A large percentage of my made-up words are not in fact totally made-up, but are forms of English words that are completely incorrect or used incorrectly (by a normal person's standards). Here's an example, I really like to use the verb "to marinate" to describe that ritual I do every morning, wherein I wake up much earlier than necessary just so I can sit around and eat waffles and watch TV before I need to actually accomplish anything. This is "marinating". I am spending time preparing myself for being productive, much like your beef tenderloin sits and waits in a pool of red wine, garlic etc in preparation for you to eat it like a veritable caveman, behaving precisely like the fucking gluttonous pig you are (no offense).

My favorite word to use, however, is "Jesusy". Jesusy is an adjective that is based, of course, on THE Jesus (AKA your LORD and SAVIOUR, amen). There are a few instances in which a person can be described as being Jesusy, according to me.

1) When a person is totally fucking religious as crap.

ex.) My mother is so Jesusy, that she goes to church on both Christmas Eve, AND Christmas Day.

An interesting question was raised by my dear friend who happens to be Jewish. I was explaining to him the term Jesusy, and he asked whether it was possible that he could be described as Jesusy as well if he happened to be a very devout follower of Judaism. I decided that yes, I see no reason to preclude him or any other Jewish person from this particular adjective as long as they meet the requirement of being extremely religious. Never mind that his people murdered and tortured the namesake, fair is fair.

ex.) Man, he is so damn Jesusy that he wouldn't be caught dead without his bekishe on Shabbos!


There is a second instance where Jesusy can be used.

2) When someone does something for another person or group of people, from which they personally gain nothing of actual value (obviously, satisfaction with self doesn't count here...I'm talking money...like I said, ACTUAL value).

ex.) I'm feeling really Jesusy today because I just helped an old woman across the street.

ex.) It was super Jesusy of you to donate cans of food to the homeless, I'm sorry I ate the corn!

So obviously, most acts of charity are Jesusy, unless your intention in doing them somehow involves a tax write-off.


**It is important to note that if you are somehow able to turn water into wine as did the real Jesus this is not, ironically, Jesusy as it does not fit either of the aforementioned definitions.

Happy Holidays!

after dinner mince.

I often wonder why I watch the television shows that I watch. Some of my choices make perfect sense. "Intervention" for example. After all, who WOULDN'T want to watch a 52 year old mother of five children drink two gallons of boxed wine a day, offer her wrinkled vajayjay to not one, but two cameramen whilst in a drunken stupor, and then cry like a baby when her family confronts her about her alcoholism which she adamantly denies. Priceless!

It is for similar reasons that I DVR any show on Discovery Health relating to primordial dwarfism. It's like the old time circus freak shows, but under the guise of medical enlightenment and discovery. I do not, however, watch the TLC show about midgets (ahem...I mean "little people") entitled "Little People, Big World" because it is far too fucking wholesome for my taste. However, it has some promise. You see, these two midget people have four children, three of whom are of normal stature and are actually attractive as far as humans go, and one of whom is a midget. I think the show will suddenly become more interesting when the midget child comes to terms with the fact that being a little person actually isn't cool at all, and that because he drew the short stick in life (pun very much intended) he'll be lucky to bang 5% of the girls his twin (and normal sized) brother will. I'll tune in the week he flips out and kills his family. Until then, I think I'll skip it.

I do not, however, understand my obsession with the Bravo show "Top Chef". Throughout my two year and four month marriage, I have "cooked" approximately two and a half times. There is a half time because once I attempted to cook something, got bored in the middle of it, and gave it to the dogs before I was able to serve it like a good wife to my husband. I find cooking so incredibly boring and inconvenient. I am not particularly impressed by people who are good cooks, nor do I truly enjoy food as a source of entertainment. These facts make my obsession with the show that much more baffling. However, to be honest, I first became interested in the show while watching Season 2 marathon on Bravo which featured contestant Sam, the tall, dark, and handsome-ish diabetic with no discernible personality. I will refrain from any comment here about my apparent attraction to men who tend to fit this exact description. I was sick with mononucleosis at the time, and Sam became a beacon of light to my sickened and tired soul. I watched the entire marathon from the comfort of my couch, and I was hooked. I now proudly have a vocabulary which includes such terms as rissolé , amuse-bouche, and mise en place. I now can tell you which vegetables should be minced as opposed to julienned or brunoised. I even have real opinions on the how much is "too much" when it comes to saffron in your classic paella. The irony, of course, is that while I watch this show and and scoff at a contestant's decision to serve the judges deviled eggs four ways instead of something more challenging (that amateur!) I will be happily munching away on a microwaved frozen lasagna- or more realistically, a bowl of cereal.

Ok, most realistically, cereal from the box.


(I would happily grind with Sam's peppermill.)

Moral Acceptability

<---this is what I look like when I encounter something which I find morally acceptable.

I recently blogged about those things to which I am morally opposed. I feel it necessary that I now offer a list of those things which I find morally acceptable.

Things I find morally acceptable:

1) lesbians

2) flavo(u)red water

3) diet wild cherry pepsi

4) bald eagles

5) guns that are so big that their effectiveness is actually lessened by their huge size (also, penises of the same description)

6) tapdancing

7) punching

8) not-recycling

9) cigars

10) Tony Blair

I want to gang rate you.

I feel as though people should be rated, in a similar fashion to which movies in America are rated. The MPAA utilizes a rating system consisting of the following ratings: G, PG, PG-13, R, and NC-17.

I have used their general guidelines and thusly rated myself as an R (largely due to sexually related nudity and extreme and intense violence)... but then I realized that my rating is relative. My friends would probably rate me an R or an NC-17. My mom, however, would surely rate me a PG-13 as I have still not (after 25 years) said the word "fuck" in front of her despite my liberal use of that term.

Like, maybe you would rate your mother a PG-13, but I would surely rate her an NC-17 because trust me- that bitch is kinky.

Moral Opposition

<---this is what I look like when I encounter something to which I am morally opposed.



Last night, I mentioned to my husband that I was morally opposed to Mars (the planet). He responded by telling me that the concept of "Mars", as such, is not a question of morality and I cannot be morally opposed to it. If he knew anything about what I like to refer to as "SCIENCE!" he would know that I can be morally opposed to whatever I want, that's just the way it is. So in keeping with my trend of only blogging lists, here is a list of other non-Mars things to which I am morally opposed.





Things to which I am morally opposed:





1) Star Jones


2) walnuts


3) joviality


4) Gardisil (the cervical cancer vaccine)


5) Queensland, Australia


6) Bono


7) Cherry (the wood, not the fruit)


8) the word "stimulus"


9) snowboarding


10) Valentine's Day








To be honest, this list could go on indefinitely as I am morally opposed to most things, concepts, colors, foods, planets, holidays, people, vaccinations, cities, and feelings.

I'm bored

I like to make lists.


Words I enjoy:

1) genre



I admit it's a short list thus far, but I imagine I'll add to it one day. Maybe not.

People I enjoy:

1) Me
2) People who look like me but are slightly fatter, slightly less funny, and slightly less intelligent.
3) Me, 10 minutes from now


That's probably the final list for that particular genre of lists.

Things I enjoy doing:

1) making lists
2) blaspheming
3) not driving
4) putting things on top of other things


Fin.