Those of you that know me, know that I am a huge Buffalo Bills' fan. It isn't my fault really. I didn't choose this life (after four straight Super Bowl losses...who would?) but rather it was forced upon me from an early age. I recall Sunday afternoons as a child when-at the ripe old age of 5- my mother informed me that on Sundays, I was only allowed to color with red, white, and blue crayons. I'm not even kidding. She referenced the concept of "good luck" to rationalize this. So there I sat, in front of the TV with my family cheering, happily coloring blue puppies and red kitties (let's be honest...having a WHITE crayon is about as useful as having no crayon at all). But now that I am older and a freethinking adult, I understand EXACTLY WHAT SHE MEANT. And if I ever have a child, Lord knows, that child won't even look at a purple crayon on a Sunday we play the Vikings. Please keep this in mind if we're ever having a conversation. Should the subject of NFL football come up, and you mention anything regarding the Buffalo Bills, choose your words carefully. Do not choose, for example, the words "wide" and "right" lest your mother be forced to bury you WITHOUT A FACE. Yes, I just implied I would bite your face off. And yes, I mean it.
For those of you aware of important things in history, you know the Bills recently signed Terrell Owens (aka- TO). For those of you who are ignorant and/or borderline retarded and don't know, TO is a fantastic player who has done a few interesting things in the past. He's been accused of having a poor attitude, bringing down the morale of the team, being a "cancer" in the locker room. For the record, my official stance on the signing of TO is positive. I have always said (and you can ask anybody) that I would take an entire team of players with horrible horrible attitudes if they were the superior player. Why? Because I'm crazy/genius. And to be honest, I want a passionate player. I want a player who, when he gets pissed off at his cheating girlfriend, tries to chop her head off with a tablesaw and winds up spending a little time in the slammer. THAT'S PASSION! I want my player beating people up, bringing guns EVERYWHERE (I mean, I would) and openly taunting players on both the opposing team and his own. THAT'S CONFIDENCE. I mean, it's all in how you interpret it.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
LSAT
After two attempts (one in December, and one today) I am officially retiring from the world of the LSAT. I would like to share a few of the lasting lessons this lovely test has taught me.
What my LSAT experience has taught me:
-At every LSAT administration, you are thumb printed. If,however, you do not have thumbs, the proctors second choice for prints is the pointer finger followed by middle, ring, and lastly- the pinkie. I asked multiple people this question to be sure. They did not confirm that a double hand amputee could submit an ass print.
-Hooded sweatshirts are prohibited which clearly means they make it easier to cheat on standardized tests, or represent an unfair socioeconomic advantage
-Same goes for mechanical pencils
-The sound of people sharpening old school yellow number two pencils with a hand sharpener is infinitely more obnoxious than the sound of someone clicking a mechanical pencil.
-I am the only person who enjoys a good old reading comprehension passage about prions and mad cow disease, and was able to answer most of the questions without actually reading the passage. Thank you Discovery network! (and my strange obsession with horrific diseases!)
-Your ability or inability to put into order when Abigail, B’nai, Calliope, Dexter , Ernie, Fu, and Garcia baked bread (and whether they baked wheat or rye) positively correlates with your ability to succeed in law school.
-The makers of the LSAT really like the name “Fu”
-Every group of five people must consist of both men and women, with all of their names in alphabetical order, each name being distinctively ethnic.
-Some people can tap their feet for hours without even noticing they’re doing it
-It is uncomfortable to be accompanied to the bathroom by a fifty year old man.
-No matter how many times people say it doesn't matter, you will question yourself when you get three A’s , three B’s, etc. in a row on a scan-tron test.
-Scan-tron sounds like a horrible science fiction movie.
What my LSAT experience has taught me:
-At every LSAT administration, you are thumb printed. If,however, you do not have thumbs, the proctors second choice for prints is the pointer finger followed by middle, ring, and lastly- the pinkie. I asked multiple people this question to be sure. They did not confirm that a double hand amputee could submit an ass print.
-Hooded sweatshirts are prohibited which clearly means they make it easier to cheat on standardized tests, or represent an unfair socioeconomic advantage
-Same goes for mechanical pencils
-The sound of people sharpening old school yellow number two pencils with a hand sharpener is infinitely more obnoxious than the sound of someone clicking a mechanical pencil.
-I am the only person who enjoys a good old reading comprehension passage about prions and mad cow disease, and was able to answer most of the questions without actually reading the passage. Thank you Discovery network! (and my strange obsession with horrific diseases!)
-Your ability or inability to put into order when Abigail, B’nai, Calliope, Dexter , Ernie, Fu, and Garcia baked bread (and whether they baked wheat or rye) positively correlates with your ability to succeed in law school.
-The makers of the LSAT really like the name “Fu”
-Every group of five people must consist of both men and women, with all of their names in alphabetical order, each name being distinctively ethnic.
-Some people can tap their feet for hours without even noticing they’re doing it
-It is uncomfortable to be accompanied to the bathroom by a fifty year old man.
-No matter how many times people say it doesn't matter, you will question yourself when you get three A’s , three B’s, etc. in a row on a scan-tron test.
-Scan-tron sounds like a horrible science fiction movie.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
I'm Lovin ALL of It
If you know me at all, you know that I have a slight obsession with McDonald’s. OH heavens no, not the food. I haven’t EATEN at McDonald’s since about 1996 (although even I’ll admit that their breakfast egg McMuffins are a little salty slice of heaven). What I like about McDonald’s is the way they do business. I have great respect for their founder, Ray Kroc. I’m in awe at the way they have essentially taken over the world. I think they’re genius for creating the “Happy Meal” and marketing ruthlessly to children (the real decision makers). I mean, sure, they might have contributed to our country’s obesity epidemic- but I’m not really sold on that- and even if it could be proven true, I’m fine with it. The more obese people in this country the better I look by comparison.
Another great thing about McDonald’s is the consistency of their food. If you go to a McDonald’s in Oregon and a McDonald’s in New York, you’re getting the same fries.
I recently decided to go on a world tour of McDonald’s, to see if the consistency extended globally. Now obviously, I don’t have the means or the time to travel the world eating at McDonald’s, but I felt I could get quite a bit of information simply by visiting their respective websites.
Below are some highlights:
Greece: First I head over to McDonald’s Greece. I had a snicker at the aptly titled “McDonald’s Greece/Grease. Fortunately, this is one of the McD’s sites that had an option to “switch to English”. Unfortunately, their English translator is…lacking a bit. For example, how remarkably appetizing does this sound (describing the menu selection called “Fish”): Tasty breaded codfish, processed cheese (yum!), and tartar sauce on bread heated on steam!” Delicious! How could you turn that down? Head over to the “Vegetables” section and you have exactly one choice: the Greek salad. My personal favorites are the desserts: “ Amazing ice cream in three flavors: Nescafe Mix, Nesquick, and Crunch!” Is “crunch” really a flavor? I had always considered it a sound. What next McDonald’s Greece? New amazing ice cream flavors, “Achoo, Buzz, and Chirp?”
Colombia: I only came on this site to see if they had a McCocaine side dish. They don’t.
Poland: Ahhh yes. McDonald’s Poland. I never expected the Polish to come through with such a hit. This one really needs to be seen to be understood, so I’ll include the link.
Apparently, if you believe their website, McDonald’s in Poland is more like a sex club. The website depicts the inside of a McDonald’s, complete with dimmed lights. Since when does McDonald’s have mood lighting? Sitting in this McDonald’s are people, or rather, shadow people. In the background plays the McDonald’s song (you know, duh duh duh DUH duh…I’m Lovin’ It), except they slowed it down and threw in some porno style sound effects. One of the shadow people on the far right is sitting on a stool, and I’m pretty sure she’s masturbating. The whole vibe is one of “come to McDonald’s and cum at McDonald’s. Get a McOrgy with a side of McOrgasm.” Maybe I’m reading into it too much, but see for yourself. Just promise me you’ll listen to the music for at least a minute before you make your final judgement: http://www.mcdonalds.pl/
If the economic recession ever forces me into stripping, this is the only song to which I will perform.
Austria: The Austrians do not fuck around. When you arrive at their McDonald’s website, you are given a choice. Do you want information? If so, click here. Do you want to have fun? If so, click there. End of story. And don’t you try to have fun AND get information. That is ludicrous.
I chose to have fun, but sadly, I didn’t have fun. Apparently, Austrians think it is fun to look at a flash video of the little mustachioed man from Monopoly. He just doesn’t do it for me. Unless he’s dancing in the Polish McDonald’s Sex Club.
But, to their credit, they do offer curry sauce with their chicken nuggets. Win.
France: The French have always had a bit of a problem with McDonald’s (surprised? I didn’t think so). As a result, their website is the least McDonaldsy of all of the McDonald’s websites I’ve seen. No “I’m Lovin’ it” song in the background. The golden arches are at best implied, not shining in their full glory. Instead, they boast huge pictures of tomatoes. Yawn. They also tend to talk a lot about salads (there is nothing, in my mind, less McDonaldsy than that). The French are dull. Fin.
Egypt: Egypt wins the award for most frightening/confusing website. If you go to their site, you are face to face with a gigantic hamburger. Move your cursor over the burger, and it grows in size, seemingly approaching you (and you can just tell it’s angry). This caused me to think: perhaps, in Egypt, the burgers eat you instead of vice versa… When you get to the meat (pun intended) of the website, you get to hear another great version of the “I’m Lovin’ It” song. Instead of the Polish sexy version, this is more of a hip mid 80’s dance club version. I’ve got to hand it to Egypt though, they have a DELICIOUS looking sandwich called the “McArabia” which is two grilled Kofta patties on “Arabic” bread. Do I know what Kofta is? Nope. Do I know what would make one bread more “Arabic” than another? Nope. Do I want to eat it, HELL YES I DO!
Netherlands: If you look at the website for McDonald’s Netherlands, and you choose to believe the pictures, then people at McDonald’s in Netherlands enjoy playing tug of war, playing frisbee, and riding in cars without seatbelts. Definitely a place I want to go. They’d better keep up that level of activity, because the Netherlands has a bit of a “carb” problem. I wasn’t aware of this, but apparently those in the Netherlands are really into croissants. They have a combo meal that includes a McMuffin (obviously on an English muffin), an orange juice, AND a croissant. Holy carb Batman! At this particular McDonald’s they throw a croissant at you every chance they get. My recommendation is to keep up the Frisbee lest your ass develop into a croissant.
Slovakia: Speaking of nutrition, the Slovakians are really onto something. Rather than try to sell their food as healthy, they use a genius method of distraction. Click on the link that takes you to nutrition facts, and you encounter a hot blonde woman gazing seductively and sucking on her finger. Um…what was I looking for again? Exactly.
Singapore: The first thing you notice on McDonald’s Singapore website is a picture of three little girls. Above their heads is the caption “Thank you for your votes. We’re headed to the 2008 Beijing Olympic games!” Um. I hate to break it to you ladies, but I think you missed it. The government in Singapore is extremely conservative, so It is more likely that these three ten year olds briefly exposed their ankles and that “the 2008 Beijing Olympic games” is a euphemism for “we’re going to be tortured at the hands of the government for behaving like sluts and thrown into the ocean”. Either way, I’m fine with it.
Now, for the interesting part, at McDonald’s Singapore they do not have a “Big Mac”. Everything in Singapore is “Mega”. The Mega Mac, the Mega McSpicy…you get the idea. My personal favorite is the “Mega Beef Prosperity Burger.” YES! Not only that, but Singapore (like some other McDonald’s I’ve encountered, McDonald’s India for example) has McDelivery. Which means, you can ORDER McDonald’s online, 24 hours a day, and have it delivered! This has confirmed for me that there is a God, but only in India and Singapore. I tried to order a Mega Beef Prosperity burger with extra prosperity on the side, but they wouldn’t do it.
Some people might say I spent too much time on this.
……
I hate you.
Another great thing about McDonald’s is the consistency of their food. If you go to a McDonald’s in Oregon and a McDonald’s in New York, you’re getting the same fries.
I recently decided to go on a world tour of McDonald’s, to see if the consistency extended globally. Now obviously, I don’t have the means or the time to travel the world eating at McDonald’s, but I felt I could get quite a bit of information simply by visiting their respective websites.
Below are some highlights:
Greece: First I head over to McDonald’s Greece. I had a snicker at the aptly titled “McDonald’s Greece/Grease. Fortunately, this is one of the McD’s sites that had an option to “switch to English”. Unfortunately, their English translator is…lacking a bit. For example, how remarkably appetizing does this sound (describing the menu selection called “Fish”): Tasty breaded codfish, processed cheese (yum!), and tartar sauce on bread heated on steam!” Delicious! How could you turn that down? Head over to the “Vegetables” section and you have exactly one choice: the Greek salad. My personal favorites are the desserts: “ Amazing ice cream in three flavors: Nescafe Mix, Nesquick, and Crunch!” Is “crunch” really a flavor? I had always considered it a sound. What next McDonald’s Greece? New amazing ice cream flavors, “Achoo, Buzz, and Chirp?”
Colombia: I only came on this site to see if they had a McCocaine side dish. They don’t.
Poland: Ahhh yes. McDonald’s Poland. I never expected the Polish to come through with such a hit. This one really needs to be seen to be understood, so I’ll include the link.
Apparently, if you believe their website, McDonald’s in Poland is more like a sex club. The website depicts the inside of a McDonald’s, complete with dimmed lights. Since when does McDonald’s have mood lighting? Sitting in this McDonald’s are people, or rather, shadow people. In the background plays the McDonald’s song (you know, duh duh duh DUH duh…I’m Lovin’ It), except they slowed it down and threw in some porno style sound effects. One of the shadow people on the far right is sitting on a stool, and I’m pretty sure she’s masturbating. The whole vibe is one of “come to McDonald’s and cum at McDonald’s. Get a McOrgy with a side of McOrgasm.” Maybe I’m reading into it too much, but see for yourself. Just promise me you’ll listen to the music for at least a minute before you make your final judgement: http://www.mcdonalds.pl/
If the economic recession ever forces me into stripping, this is the only song to which I will perform.
Austria: The Austrians do not fuck around. When you arrive at their McDonald’s website, you are given a choice. Do you want information? If so, click here. Do you want to have fun? If so, click there. End of story. And don’t you try to have fun AND get information. That is ludicrous.
I chose to have fun, but sadly, I didn’t have fun. Apparently, Austrians think it is fun to look at a flash video of the little mustachioed man from Monopoly. He just doesn’t do it for me. Unless he’s dancing in the Polish McDonald’s Sex Club.
But, to their credit, they do offer curry sauce with their chicken nuggets. Win.
France: The French have always had a bit of a problem with McDonald’s (surprised? I didn’t think so). As a result, their website is the least McDonaldsy of all of the McDonald’s websites I’ve seen. No “I’m Lovin’ it” song in the background. The golden arches are at best implied, not shining in their full glory. Instead, they boast huge pictures of tomatoes. Yawn. They also tend to talk a lot about salads (there is nothing, in my mind, less McDonaldsy than that). The French are dull. Fin.
Egypt: Egypt wins the award for most frightening/confusing website. If you go to their site, you are face to face with a gigantic hamburger. Move your cursor over the burger, and it grows in size, seemingly approaching you (and you can just tell it’s angry). This caused me to think: perhaps, in Egypt, the burgers eat you instead of vice versa… When you get to the meat (pun intended) of the website, you get to hear another great version of the “I’m Lovin’ It” song. Instead of the Polish sexy version, this is more of a hip mid 80’s dance club version. I’ve got to hand it to Egypt though, they have a DELICIOUS looking sandwich called the “McArabia” which is two grilled Kofta patties on “Arabic” bread. Do I know what Kofta is? Nope. Do I know what would make one bread more “Arabic” than another? Nope. Do I want to eat it, HELL YES I DO!
Netherlands: If you look at the website for McDonald’s Netherlands, and you choose to believe the pictures, then people at McDonald’s in Netherlands enjoy playing tug of war, playing frisbee, and riding in cars without seatbelts. Definitely a place I want to go. They’d better keep up that level of activity, because the Netherlands has a bit of a “carb” problem. I wasn’t aware of this, but apparently those in the Netherlands are really into croissants. They have a combo meal that includes a McMuffin (obviously on an English muffin), an orange juice, AND a croissant. Holy carb Batman! At this particular McDonald’s they throw a croissant at you every chance they get. My recommendation is to keep up the Frisbee lest your ass develop into a croissant.
Slovakia: Speaking of nutrition, the Slovakians are really onto something. Rather than try to sell their food as healthy, they use a genius method of distraction. Click on the link that takes you to nutrition facts, and you encounter a hot blonde woman gazing seductively and sucking on her finger. Um…what was I looking for again? Exactly.
Singapore: The first thing you notice on McDonald’s Singapore website is a picture of three little girls. Above their heads is the caption “Thank you for your votes. We’re headed to the 2008 Beijing Olympic games!” Um. I hate to break it to you ladies, but I think you missed it. The government in Singapore is extremely conservative, so It is more likely that these three ten year olds briefly exposed their ankles and that “the 2008 Beijing Olympic games” is a euphemism for “we’re going to be tortured at the hands of the government for behaving like sluts and thrown into the ocean”. Either way, I’m fine with it.
Now, for the interesting part, at McDonald’s Singapore they do not have a “Big Mac”. Everything in Singapore is “Mega”. The Mega Mac, the Mega McSpicy…you get the idea. My personal favorite is the “Mega Beef Prosperity Burger.” YES! Not only that, but Singapore (like some other McDonald’s I’ve encountered, McDonald’s India for example) has McDelivery. Which means, you can ORDER McDonald’s online, 24 hours a day, and have it delivered! This has confirmed for me that there is a God, but only in India and Singapore. I tried to order a Mega Beef Prosperity burger with extra prosperity on the side, but they wouldn’t do it.
Some people might say I spent too much time on this.
……
I hate you.
Monday, January 5, 2009
I'd like to make a statement
So, I'm applying to law schools.
Law schools accept something called "diversity statements" which are described, on one website, like so:
Many schools will ask you whether you are a member of an ethnic minority, economically disadvantaged, or otherwise feel that you have overcome any adversity which may affect the admissions decision. You should take advantage of this opportunity to tell them about your socioeconomic and demographic diversity as compared to the rest of the applicant pool. You might want to tell them of coming from a blue-collar background, of a rural or urban lifestyle, or of a particular physical or emotional problem (including a learning disability) you have overcome.
I present to you one of the diversity statements I have prepared.
“Are you a model?” This phrase would oft pierce my ears (figuratively…they were literally pierced as an infant on my way to the Miss Baby World Galaxy competition) whenever I walked into a room. No, I was not a model. I was simply cursed with a beautifully symmetrical face. My lips are full and luscious like that of a five year old with a severe peanut allergy who bravely puts his mouth to a Snickers bar. My ass, for lack of a better term, won’t quit, not even when I politely ask it to. Some people foolishly believe that I’m lucky to possess the beauty of Helen in the body of Heidi. But what few people besides Ms. Klum and I understand is that people like us are constantly looked down upon. Albeit, only by women who frequent “the Walmart’s” and who are missing over 60% of their natural teeth.
Growing up I faced a considerable amount of challenges. When, in Middle School, it was time to send Valentine’s Day carnations to “that special someone” I would often receive so many of the flowers that I would sneeze uncontrollably the entire day. As you can imagine, this is hardly becoming! In High School it would only get worse. After all, how many prom dates can a girl turn down before she feels a tinge of guilt? I went on to college only to find that it was hardly a more welcoming place for the aesthetically gifted. My classmates would often mistake me for someone famous and steal my tests in hopes of garnering a coveted autograph. I didn’t attend my graduation for fear that the identical gowns worn by myself and the other women would call even more attention to the perfection of my face.
I now move ahead to pursue a career in law, knowing that my struggles will continue-if not intensify. Upon a perusal of the numerous law school brochures that I have collected, I noticed but one unifying theme: law students are ugly. Not only are they ugly, but they are among the ugliest of all post-graduate degree seekers. I know that I will undoubtedly get noticed and called cruel and vicious names like “gorgeous” and “sexy”- the very thought of which make me shudder. I have every confidence that I will face this struggle and persevere as I always have-with my head held high…or at least as high as my three foot tiara allows while still giving me the clearance to enter a room.
Law schools accept something called "diversity statements" which are described, on one website, like so:
Many schools will ask you whether you are a member of an ethnic minority, economically disadvantaged, or otherwise feel that you have overcome any adversity which may affect the admissions decision. You should take advantage of this opportunity to tell them about your socioeconomic and demographic diversity as compared to the rest of the applicant pool. You might want to tell them of coming from a blue-collar background, of a rural or urban lifestyle, or of a particular physical or emotional problem (including a learning disability) you have overcome.
I present to you one of the diversity statements I have prepared.
“Are you a model?” This phrase would oft pierce my ears (figuratively…they were literally pierced as an infant on my way to the Miss Baby World Galaxy competition) whenever I walked into a room. No, I was not a model. I was simply cursed with a beautifully symmetrical face. My lips are full and luscious like that of a five year old with a severe peanut allergy who bravely puts his mouth to a Snickers bar. My ass, for lack of a better term, won’t quit, not even when I politely ask it to. Some people foolishly believe that I’m lucky to possess the beauty of Helen in the body of Heidi. But what few people besides Ms. Klum and I understand is that people like us are constantly looked down upon. Albeit, only by women who frequent “the Walmart’s” and who are missing over 60% of their natural teeth.
Growing up I faced a considerable amount of challenges. When, in Middle School, it was time to send Valentine’s Day carnations to “that special someone” I would often receive so many of the flowers that I would sneeze uncontrollably the entire day. As you can imagine, this is hardly becoming! In High School it would only get worse. After all, how many prom dates can a girl turn down before she feels a tinge of guilt? I went on to college only to find that it was hardly a more welcoming place for the aesthetically gifted. My classmates would often mistake me for someone famous and steal my tests in hopes of garnering a coveted autograph. I didn’t attend my graduation for fear that the identical gowns worn by myself and the other women would call even more attention to the perfection of my face.
I now move ahead to pursue a career in law, knowing that my struggles will continue-if not intensify. Upon a perusal of the numerous law school brochures that I have collected, I noticed but one unifying theme: law students are ugly. Not only are they ugly, but they are among the ugliest of all post-graduate degree seekers. I know that I will undoubtedly get noticed and called cruel and vicious names like “gorgeous” and “sexy”- the very thought of which make me shudder. I have every confidence that I will face this struggle and persevere as I always have-with my head held high…or at least as high as my three foot tiara allows while still giving me the clearance to enter a room.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
In keeping with the season...
So, I like to make up words a lot. A large percentage of my made-up words are not in fact totally made-up, but are forms of English words that are completely incorrect or used incorrectly (by a normal person's standards). Here's an example, I really like to use the verb "to marinate" to describe that ritual I do every morning, wherein I wake up much earlier than necessary just so I can sit around and eat waffles and watch TV before I need to actually accomplish anything. This is "marinating". I am spending time preparing myself for being productive, much like your beef tenderloin sits and waits in a pool of red wine, garlic etc in preparation for you to eat it like a veritable caveman, behaving precisely like the fucking gluttonous pig you are (no offense).
My favorite word to use, however, is "Jesusy". Jesusy is an adjective that is based, of course, on THE Jesus (AKA your LORD and SAVIOUR, amen). There are a few instances in which a person can be described as being Jesusy, according to me.
1) When a person is totally fucking religious as crap.
ex.) My mother is so Jesusy, that she goes to church on both Christmas Eve, AND Christmas Day.
An interesting question was raised by my dear friend who happens to be Jewish. I was explaining to him the term Jesusy, and he asked whether it was possible that he could be described as Jesusy as well if he happened to be a very devout follower of Judaism. I decided that yes, I see no reason to preclude him or any other Jewish person from this particular adjective as long as they meet the requirement of being extremely religious. Never mind that his people murdered and tortured the namesake, fair is fair.
ex.) Man, he is so damn Jesusy that he wouldn't be caught dead without his bekishe on Shabbos!
There is a second instance where Jesusy can be used.
2) When someone does something for another person or group of people, from which they personally gain nothing of actual value (obviously, satisfaction with self doesn't count here...I'm talking money...like I said, ACTUAL value).
ex.) I'm feeling really Jesusy today because I just helped an old woman across the street.
ex.) It was super Jesusy of you to donate cans of food to the homeless, I'm sorry I ate the corn!
So obviously, most acts of charity are Jesusy, unless your intention in doing them somehow involves a tax write-off.
**It is important to note that if you are somehow able to turn water into wine as did the real Jesus this is not, ironically, Jesusy as it does not fit either of the aforementioned definitions.
Happy Holidays!
My favorite word to use, however, is "Jesusy". Jesusy is an adjective that is based, of course, on THE Jesus (AKA your LORD and SAVIOUR, amen). There are a few instances in which a person can be described as being Jesusy, according to me.
1) When a person is totally fucking religious as crap.
ex.) My mother is so Jesusy, that she goes to church on both Christmas Eve, AND Christmas Day.
An interesting question was raised by my dear friend who happens to be Jewish. I was explaining to him the term Jesusy, and he asked whether it was possible that he could be described as Jesusy as well if he happened to be a very devout follower of Judaism. I decided that yes, I see no reason to preclude him or any other Jewish person from this particular adjective as long as they meet the requirement of being extremely religious. Never mind that his people murdered and tortured the namesake, fair is fair.
ex.) Man, he is so damn Jesusy that he wouldn't be caught dead without his bekishe on Shabbos!
There is a second instance where Jesusy can be used.
2) When someone does something for another person or group of people, from which they personally gain nothing of actual value (obviously, satisfaction with self doesn't count here...I'm talking money...like I said, ACTUAL value).
ex.) I'm feeling really Jesusy today because I just helped an old woman across the street.
ex.) It was super Jesusy of you to donate cans of food to the homeless, I'm sorry I ate the corn!
So obviously, most acts of charity are Jesusy, unless your intention in doing them somehow involves a tax write-off.
**It is important to note that if you are somehow able to turn water into wine as did the real Jesus this is not, ironically, Jesusy as it does not fit either of the aforementioned definitions.
Happy Holidays!
Monday, December 22, 2008
after dinner mince.
I often wonder why I watch the television shows that I watch. Some of my choices make perfect sense. "Intervention" for example. After all, who WOULDN'T want to watch a 52 year old mother of five children drink two gallons of boxed wine a day, offer her wrinkled vajayjay to not one, but two cameramen whilst in a drunken stupor, and then cry like a baby when her family confronts her about her alcoholism which she adamantly denies. Priceless!
It is for similar reasons that I DVR any show on Discovery Health relating to primordial dwarfism. It's like the old time circus freak shows, but under the guise of medical enlightenment and discovery. I do not, however, watch the TLC show about midgets (ahem...I mean "little people") entitled "Little People, Big World" because it is far too fucking wholesome for my taste. However, it has some promise. You see, these two midget people have four children, three of whom are of normal stature and are actually attractive as far as humans go, and one of whom is a midget. I think the show will suddenly become more interesting when the midget child comes to terms with the fact that being a little person actually isn't cool at all, and that because he drew the short stick in life (pun very much intended) he'll be lucky to bang 5% of the girls his twin (and normal sized) brother will. I'll tune in the week he flips out and kills his family. Until then, I think I'll skip it.
I do not, however, understand my obsession with the Bravo show "Top Chef". Throughout my two year and four month marriage, I have "cooked" approximately two and a half times. There is a half time because once I attempted to cook something, got bored in the middle of it, and gave it to the dogs before I was able to serve it like a good wife to my husband. I find cooking so incredibly boring and inconvenient. I am not particularly impressed by people who are good cooks, nor do I truly enjoy food as a source of entertainment. These facts make my obsession with the show that much more baffling. However, to be honest, I first became interested in the show while watching Season 2 marathon on Bravo which featured contestant Sam, the tall, dark, and handsome-ish diabetic with no discernible personality. I will refrain from any comment here about my apparent attraction to men who tend to fit this exact description. I was sick with mononucleosis at the time, and Sam became a beacon of light to my sickened and tired soul. I watched the entire marathon from the comfort of my couch, and I was hooked. I now proudly have a vocabulary which includes such terms as rissolé , amuse-bouche, and mise en place. I now can tell you which vegetables should be minced as opposed to julienned or brunoised. I even have real opinions on the how much is "too much" when it comes to saffron in your classic paella. The irony, of course, is that while I watch this show and and scoff at a contestant's decision to serve the judges deviled eggs four ways instead of something more challenging (that amateur!) I will be happily munching away on a microwaved frozen lasagna- or more realistically, a bowl of cereal.
Ok, most realistically, cereal from the box.
(I would happily grind with Sam's peppermill.)
It is for similar reasons that I DVR any show on Discovery Health relating to primordial dwarfism. It's like the old time circus freak shows, but under the guise of medical enlightenment and discovery. I do not, however, watch the TLC show about midgets (ahem...I mean "little people") entitled "Little People, Big World" because it is far too fucking wholesome for my taste. However, it has some promise. You see, these two midget people have four children, three of whom are of normal stature and are actually attractive as far as humans go, and one of whom is a midget. I think the show will suddenly become more interesting when the midget child comes to terms with the fact that being a little person actually isn't cool at all, and that because he drew the short stick in life (pun very much intended) he'll be lucky to bang 5% of the girls his twin (and normal sized) brother will. I'll tune in the week he flips out and kills his family. Until then, I think I'll skip it.
I do not, however, understand my obsession with the Bravo show "Top Chef". Throughout my two year and four month marriage, I have "cooked" approximately two and a half times. There is a half time because once I attempted to cook something, got bored in the middle of it, and gave it to the dogs before I was able to serve it like a good wife to my husband. I find cooking so incredibly boring and inconvenient. I am not particularly impressed by people who are good cooks, nor do I truly enjoy food as a source of entertainment. These facts make my obsession with the show that much more baffling. However, to be honest, I first became interested in the show while watching Season 2 marathon on Bravo which featured contestant Sam, the tall, dark, and handsome-ish diabetic with no discernible personality. I will refrain from any comment here about my apparent attraction to men who tend to fit this exact description. I was sick with mononucleosis at the time, and Sam became a beacon of light to my sickened and tired soul. I watched the entire marathon from the comfort of my couch, and I was hooked. I now proudly have a vocabulary which includes such terms as rissolé , amuse-bouche, and mise en place. I now can tell you which vegetables should be minced as opposed to julienned or brunoised. I even have real opinions on the how much is "too much" when it comes to saffron in your classic paella. The irony, of course, is that while I watch this show and and scoff at a contestant's decision to serve the judges deviled eggs four ways instead of something more challenging (that amateur!) I will be happily munching away on a microwaved frozen lasagna- or more realistically, a bowl of cereal.
Ok, most realistically, cereal from the box.
(I would happily grind with Sam's peppermill.)Friday, December 19, 2008
Moral Acceptability
<---this is what I look like when I encounter something which I find morally acceptable. I recently blogged about those things to which I am morally opposed. I feel it necessary that I now offer a list of those things which I find morally acceptable.
Things I find morally acceptable:
1) lesbians
2) flavo(u)red water
3) diet wild cherry pepsi
4) bald eagles
5) guns that are so big that their effectiveness is actually lessened by their huge size (also, penises of the same description)
6) tapdancing
7) punching
8) not-recycling
9) cigars
10) Tony Blair
Thursday, December 18, 2008
I want to gang rate you.
I feel as though people should be rated, in a similar fashion to which movies in America are rated. The MPAA utilizes a rating system consisting of the following ratings: G, PG, PG-13, R, and NC-17.
I have used their general guidelines and thusly rated myself as an R (largely due to sexually related nudity and extreme and intense violence)... but then I realized that my rating is relative. My friends would probably rate me an R or an NC-17. My mom, however, would surely rate me a PG-13 as I have still not (after 25 years) said the word "fuck" in front of her despite my liberal use of that term.
Like, maybe you would rate your mother a PG-13, but I would surely rate her an NC-17 because trust me- that bitch is kinky.
I have used their general guidelines and thusly rated myself as an R (largely due to sexually related nudity and extreme and intense violence)... but then I realized that my rating is relative. My friends would probably rate me an R or an NC-17. My mom, however, would surely rate me a PG-13 as I have still not (after 25 years) said the word "fuck" in front of her despite my liberal use of that term.
Like, maybe you would rate your mother a PG-13, but I would surely rate her an NC-17 because trust me- that bitch is kinky.
Moral Opposition
<---this is what I look like when I encounter something to which I am morally opposed.Last night, I mentioned to my husband that I was morally opposed to Mars (the planet). He responded by telling me that the concept of "Mars", as such, is not a question of morality and I cannot be morally opposed to it. If he knew anything about what I like to refer to as "SCIENCE!" he would know that I can be morally opposed to whatever I want, that's just the way it is. So in keeping with my trend of only blogging lists, here is a list of other non-Mars things to which I am morally opposed.
Things to which I am morally opposed:
1) Star Jones
2) walnuts
3) joviality
4) Gardisil (the cervical cancer vaccine)
5) Queensland, Australia
6) Bono
7) Cherry (the wood, not the fruit)
8) the word "stimulus"
9) snowboarding
10) Valentine's Day
To be honest, this list could go on indefinitely as I am morally opposed to most things, concepts, colors, foods, planets, holidays, people, vaccinations, cities, and feelings.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
I'm bored
I like to make lists.
Words I enjoy:
1) genre
I admit it's a short list thus far, but I imagine I'll add to it one day. Maybe not.
People I enjoy:
1) Me
2) People who look like me but are slightly fatter, slightly less funny, and slightly less intelligent.
3) Me, 10 minutes from now
That's probably the final list for that particular genre of lists.
Things I enjoy doing:
1) making lists
2) blaspheming
3) not driving
4) putting things on top of other things
Fin.
Words I enjoy:
1) genre
I admit it's a short list thus far, but I imagine I'll add to it one day. Maybe not.
People I enjoy:
1) Me
2) People who look like me but are slightly fatter, slightly less funny, and slightly less intelligent.
3) Me, 10 minutes from now
That's probably the final list for that particular genre of lists.
Things I enjoy doing:
1) making lists
2) blaspheming
3) not driving
4) putting things on top of other things
Fin.
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